If
by Almandine-Azaleea
Summary: A tale of possibilities, probabilities and repercussions.


Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, nor any of the characters in the following story.

* * *

If

* * *

"It's done?" 

She nodded.

He grasped her wrists gently and pulled her to himself.

Her lips beckoned and he followed.

Their future was forever sealed.

* * *

He loved her. Every single heartbeat told him so, yet there was something missing. He couldn't put his finger on it. He wasn't _un_happy, he wasn't alone, something just lacked. He sighed. 

"Beloved, what is the matter?" Her cool voice swept over him.

"Nothing." She smiled her knowing smile and brushed his cheek with the back of her hand.

"My dear, you are a terrible liar." He flushed. " I will not press you. When you want to tell me I shall be here..." She kissed him chastely before turning and exiting the room.

His guts wrenched. What was wrong? He loved her, she loved him, they were married; no doubt, they would have pups soon, and then he would have the family he always wanted, so what was lacking? He pressed his fingers to his lips. _Cold. _He shook his head angrily. Nothing was wrong. It was just...just...

He shook his head again.

He was _fine_.

If only his heart would believe it.

* * *

She watched him battle with himself as he was wont to do of late. 

Not for the first time she wondered if she was to blame. She had asked so much of him, perhaps it had been too much?

Her teeth worried her lower lip out of habit.

She had only thought of their happiness, or, at the very least, that was what she had told herself at the time. In the other room she saw him close his eyes in defeat.

The seed of uncertainty was sown into her heart.

* * *

He felt her breathing get heavier and strengthened his hold on her. She mumbled something under her breath and a shiver slid across her skin. 

He kissed her hair then her shoulder, in an attempt to soothe her. The tears that began to fall from her closed eyes cut into him.

"Hush...hush...I won't leave you. I'm here."

He wished, not for the first time, that he could sense her as he used to.

It was so ironic how the form which he always thought would help heal her was, at the present moment, keeping her from being content.

He wondered in passing if she also missed how they used to be.

"...fault..."

He strained his ears.

"...all...my...sorry..."

He brushed the hair off her face with utmost tenderness.

"Wake up...come on...wake up..."

His gentle murmurs cut through to her and she opened her eyes.

"There...you're fine it was just a dream."

The terror in her eyes made his own heart fret. She buried her head in his shoulder and wept.

He merely held her tighter, whispering words of comfort, remembering a time when she never used to cry.

* * *

"Are you sure?" His voice sounded so fragile she thought he would break. 

"Yes."

His smile broke upon her like sunlight on snowdrops.

"You are with child? We...are having pups...er children?"

They both knew she had heard his slip-up, but she chose to cover it with a smile of her own.

"Yes, beloved. I am with child."

And then he laughed like she'd never heard him laugh before: a strong, and crisp sound devoid of any emotion other than the utter joy it was meant to convey.

His happiness radiated through the room and she couldn't help but feel incredibly touched at the tinge of moisture she saw gather in his eyes.

His arms wrapped around her waist and suddenly the room was spinning. She couldn't remember themselves ever acting so giddy; but, as the last remnants of their mirth flitted out and the room came to a halt, something strange blossomed in her.

_Is this what was missing?_

* * *

It had been an unspoken rule between them: never mention the past. 

She would not speak of her up-bringing, he would not speak of his heritage.

Unguarded moments, however, saw him slip up. She always frowned, despite herself, upon hearing such discrepancies.

She had not hated him before, certainly not, but the he of now was truly a man she could love, _trust._ She could never have trusted him so wholly before.

Was she evil for wanting him to change? Selfish, perhaps? But...he loved her didn't he? He was content with her, as they were, yes?

The seed of uncertainty in her heart began to blossom.

He could be unhappy and it would be all her fault.

What if he started to hate her? She had taken so much from him! She had forced him to become someone else for his sake.

Was he angry with her? Surely he would have mentioned...no...Inuyasha would rather cut his tongue out than speak against her.

She had told him on numerous occassions how she loved him, but what kind of love would see such horrid things done?

She had robbed him of his heritage! She had stolen his freedom! All for her selfishness. Worst of all, he would never tell her.

He would just suffer, in silence, until he could stand it no longer and then...?

What if...what if he left?

The room began to spin under the weight of her conclusion and she was brought to her knees.

Dimly, a part of her mind reminisced about a time when she never used to cry.

* * *

When he found her she was still sobbing into her knees, mourning something even he could not understand. What he did know was she was in pain and he had to take it away. 

In past times a mere embrace, a kiss, would have brought her back. Not this time. Cries continued to escape her trembling mouth scattered amid a torrent of tortured tears.

He had to find out what was wrong; had to find out what was breaking the woman he had thought impervious.

"Talk to me..."

Nothing but tears, then:

"I hurt you."

Of all the replies she could have given this had him at a loss.

"I thought it would be okay...I really did...I thought to myself 'He loves me...'" Another sob broke through.

"I_ do_ love you..." What was she trying to say?

"I know...it's me...I didn't...I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry."

"What are you talking about? Didn't what?"

"Love you..."

His blood turned to ice.

"I didn't love you enough."

His heart resumed it's beating, but it still trembled strongly.

Her eyes, filled with self-resentment and fear, raised to him imploringly.

"Forgive me?"

He stared.

"Please? Please say you will forgive me...and if you never want to see me again I can understand...I can...I just...please... don't hate me."

"Forgive you what? Why would I hate you?"

She lowered her eyes again.

"For not being able to love you as yourself."

Ah...

"But, you love me?"

She nodded.

"Then that will do."

"It shouldn't. I've seen you! You're not yourself anymore. You don't smirk, you're tame, your eyes are empty sometimes..."

So she _had_ noticed. He thought he had been good at concealing everything.

"I follow you sometimes..." She blushed. "And you don't know I'm there anymore...then you look at the sky and the trees with such longing...and it's all my fault. I stole your kingdom. I forced you to become something you're not just so I could have something I thought would make me happy. But...I'm not, because you're not happy, and that's the one thing I cannot change; something I cannot pretend I didn't cause."

Her sobs had calmed but tears continued to stream unchecked.

"And it hurts so much to see you hurt and to know I caused it. So...please, forgive me for making you become human for me; for taking away part of you; for not loving you as you deserved."

He felt something wet and warm slide on his cheeks.

"Kikyo...What is done is done." He tried his hardest to keep his voice steady. "But I am not unhappy, nor do I want to leave you; and in no way do I hate you."

She couldn't raise her eyes.

"I miss being half-demon sometimes, yes, but because I worry I won't be able to protect you should you need it; I won't be able to hear if something's wrong, to sense if you are injured. The jumping and the running, they were nice, but for you...I do not mind parting with them."

He watched her as she persisted in staring at the ground.

"And the other things...when change comes, sometimes one cannot help but feel melancholy...I had been alive for nigh on two centuries when I met you. A lot to forget. But, Kikyo...I was a boy when you met me. I thought everything would work out perfectly, that it would be just like my best dreams. You were, are still, my best dream; all that changed were the dreams around you. I have a family now, a home, a wonderful wife whom I love with my whole being. I had to give up jumping a few trees to get it...it's not a bad exchange."

His name broke on her lips so tenderly and yet so painfully it made his heart lurch.

"I mean it Kikyo. I am in love with you."

"But...I...didn't...I took away something precious to you."

"Yes, you did." She flinched. "I won't lie. I hated the first few days, but you were there and that made all the difference. It took losing my demon side to stop me being a boy and become the man you could rely on, the man you needed. If you are content then I, too, shall find contentment."

"But...doesn't it hurt you? Doesn't it bother you that I made you forfeit your demon legacy? Doesn't it make you feel like I don't love you enough?"

"Is that what you think?" He smiled bitterly. "Kikyo, what's the first thing your training taught you?"

She flushed.

"Demons are evil creatures that are to be purified."

"Exactly."

"But I should have...been stronger. I should have believed in you. Doesn't that make you question me?"

He shook his head.

"How can I question your love?"

She stared, incapable of understanding.

"Was there ever a time when I thought you'd accept all of me? Yes. Was there a time when I was angry you didn't? Yes. Was there a time when I questioned your love for me? No. If you hadn't cared about me...all of me...you wouldn't be crying now, you wouldn't have spent nigh on four years torturing yourself over it, and you most certainly wouldn't have tried to undo it."

"H-h-how...?"

"You never used to have nightmares. You speak as you sleep. You try to undo your own wish. I've always been a light sleeper, I've felt your attempts to call upon any remnants of demon blood in me. And even now your heart is breaking before me. Forgive yourself, Kikyo. I do not blame you, neither should you."

"B-but..."

"Don't" His kiss was much lighter than his exclamation had been.

"Inuyasha, my beloved, do you...could you do one more thing for me?"

"Anything."

"Would you trust me with your sorrows?"

He searched her eyes. For the first time in longer than he could remember they sparked with her usual spirit.

"I trust you with everything.

* * *

"My dear..." That night as they lay in bed her hands caressed his face. "My dear...I must confess I...had a weakness for those ears of yours." 

He chuckled.

"Who knows you might see them again."

She smiled.

"Maybe next life time."

She laid her head on his heart.

"Next life time I promise to love all of you, with everything in me."

He kissed her hair softly.

"Next life time, too, I promise myself to you."

* * *

Far away, under layers of damp earth at the base of Goshinboku the Shikon no Tama glowed forewarningly into the night. 


End file.
